Damn I`m good

A pretty terrible golfer was playing a round of golf for which he had hired a caddie. The round proved to be somewhat tortuous for the caddie to watch and he was getting a bit exasperated by the poor play of his employer. At one point the ball lay about 180 yards from the green and as the golfer sized up his situation, he asked his caddie, "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?" And the caddie replied, "Eventually."

Quick ones

I was in the sand so much I saw Yassir Arafat twice!

Q: Why do golfers always carry two pairs of trousers with them ?
A: Just in case they had a hole in one.

The only reason I play golf is to bug my wife. She thinks I'm having fun.

You know it's too wet to play golf when your cart capsizes.

Two golfers were sitting at the 19th hole discussing their games this year when one says to the other, " My game is so bad this year I had to have my Ball Retriever REGRIPPED !"

Q: Whats the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A: A bad golfer goes: WHACK..."Damn"! A bad Skydiver goes: "Damn"!...WHACK.

Q: What's the difference between golfing in New York and golfing in Canada?
A: In New york they say, "Eeehhh, get off the green!" In Canada they say "Get off the green, eeehhh."

Q: Do you know why there are 18 holes on a golf course?
A: Because that's how long it took the Scots who invented the game to finish there bottle of whiskey!

The only difference between driving in golf and driving a car is that when you drive a car you don't want to hit anything.

Two long time golfers were standing over looking the river. One golfer looked to the other and said, "Look at those idiots fishin' in the rain."

Q:What does a woman do with her asshole before sex?
A:She drops him off at the golf course!.

Q: What is the one thing said on a golf course that is never heard in a whorehouse?
A: Bite you cocksucker!!!

Lady goes to a doctor and says that she's in pain because she got hit by a golf ball. Doctor asks her where she got hit. She says it was between the first and second hole. Doctor says ``well it doesn't give me much room to work on - does it?''

Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday? The way you play, Sir, its a crime any day of the week!

Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. It's distracting! This isn't a watch, Sir, its a compass!

There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly
-- or start cheating.

Q: What's the difference between a golf ball and a woman's G-spot?
A: A guy will take hours to look for a golf ball.

The Rules of Bedroom Golf

Each player shall furnish his own equipment. Normally one club and two balls.

Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins. Course owners reserve the right to restrict shaft length so not to damage the hole(s).

The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete.Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course.

Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played.

Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.

Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played.

Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation.

Players are strongly encouraged to obtain permission before playing the Back Nine.

Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a faster pace, at least temporarily, at the owners request.

You won`t believe it!

The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his Parish.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, 'You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?'

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I won't." Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

A Loss for words

A man went to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting. When he arrived at his Motel, he found he had a lot of time before the meeting so he got the directions for a nearby golf course from the clerk.

While playing on the front nine, he thought over his impending speech and became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained the situation and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."

He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th."

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales also.

What do you sell?" She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No I wouldn't." "Well if you must know", she answered, "I sell Tampax." She said, "See I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at" he replied, "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!"

Fast Golfer

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

Go for it

The police arrived and found a woman dead on her living room floor with a golf club next to her body. They asked the husband, "Is this your wife?" "Yes," he replied. "Did you kill her?" "Yes, he replied." "It looks like you struck her eight times with this 3-iron. Is that correct?" "Yes," he replied, "...but put me down for a five."

Study harder

A foursome is waiting at the men's tee when another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee. The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it, hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically, "I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't help." One of the men immediately replies, "No, you see that's your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead."